This week we had my husbands twin and best friend in town from Maryland for the twins birthday. (My husband and his identical twin will perpetually be known as “the twins”).Yesterday, we went to have dinner and drinks with family in Laguna Niguel. The appreciation for the the landscape here never gets old, but it’s been a long time since I’ve been awestruck. The word came to my mind when my son who had never seen the ocean before couldn’t take his eyes off the water. It wasn’t just the view although striking- it was newness of everything. The smell of the salty air, the particular chill in the wind, the multi-shades of orange in the sky all from the sunset sparkling on the water had him lost in the pure bliss of a new experience.
I felt inspired to allow myself to be so present in the moment that I become awestruck with the wonders of this world. I couldn’t remember the last time it struck me so heavily until last night. Seeing the world through brand new little eyes is definitely my new addiction. Althoug he’ll never remember that feeling, I surely can’t wait to remind him.
Why is it a challenge to revel in the masterpieces around us? To even take a moment to breathe in the beauty is something that I even have to remind myself. And if ever I forget for a moment, this little guy right here will be sure to remind me.
There’s a certain high I get scrolling through Pinterest and Instagram accounts that are perfectly edited. I mean the whole nine-lighting, placement, color scheme, and even background images all sing praises of the organized individual behind the shot. I often wonder what kind of time the staging takes because between naps and nursing, I’m rushing to inhale my half assed meal and put on some decent clothes and make-up to look like I didn’t just wake up.
That being said, the mommy pressure is ON. From middle school onto high school and sometimes even in college, proving yourself is an extra-curricular we all sign up for. Whether we like it or not, there’s a sense of being right for time in our lives and that’s just the way we’re wired. Proving ourselves to others may not be the thing, but proving ourselves to ourselves? My main thing is being the mommy of all trades. Can I get ready for the day, look flawless, and then have an even more so flawlessly looking baby? All the while executing errands and feeling superb while I’m at it. That pressure to prove something continues on well past college and right along into mommy-hood. But why?
It’s not a life long goal to have fancy pictures that reflect my life, but I think there’s something to those dreamy pins and hashtags. There’s something to chaos that comes with being a mother and sometimes that means having a spotless house, but then sometimes that means stepping on toys and getting pinched and scratched by a 21 pound baby boy. I’ll snap that and share it. Share the reality. My reality. Because honestly-who’s looking
At the beginning of 2015, I made the resolution to always look at the silver lining no matter the circumstance. As it came to a close, I reflected on the year and came to the conclusion that I did in fact keep that resolution. Just before 2016 commenced, I wrestled around in my head and thought, “I want to be more focused”. Focused on one idea at a time, one goal at a time, one project at a time. Hell even one task at a time. Then the word “mindfulness” came to mind. Being mindful to me, means being present in the moment, giving your full attention and intention in the present of what is happening or what you’re doing. But how in the age where multi-tasking is an asset and where being able to to text, email, and talk on the phone is glorified?
I realized that it is the world that is conflicted with itself and I play right along into it. What with trying to keep up with the moms of 3 who post meticulously staged photos of their cooking spread, while revving up my resume to start applying to jobs in the Spring, it’s hard to recognize where I’m supposed to be and when I’m supposed to be there. The classic juggling of a double life-wrestling with my present to be better in my future. How do you begin to let the two exist without fighting for first place? Society expresses that “you can do it all”, go to work 8 hours a day, be a chic super mom, chase baby giggles, and at the end of it all be in phenomenal shape. Maybe we can do it all and all it takes is rearranging priorities…or just simply realizing where we are now.
Being in the moment might be one of the hardest mindsets to master, but I’m willing to bet all aspects in life fall into place once this milestone is conquered. What if the key to success in every aspect of life is first recognizing where you are in the present moment? What if we’re doing it wrong? Maybe we’re chasing the dream that’s ahead without realizing the dream we are currently living. Either way, isn’t it just nice to just be still?
After months and months of lamenting over the fact that I have severely neglected writing, I became re-inspired through a series of life changing events. The most critical event-giving birth.
On July 9, 2015, my husband and I had a baby boy. The point here isn’t a birth story, but rather what this event triggered inside me. Over the 9 months-more like 10 months since I was overdue- life was growing inside of me. Everyday, this small human was getting closer to entering into this world and all I could think about is what will I have to share with him? Is he going to look at his mother and see a woman who harnessed talent and power and shares that with the world? Did she do what she dreamed or go where she dared?
They say having a child changes you. I say it doesn’t change you, instead it forces you to want to fulfill your purpose of who you already are. At least it did for me. There was no magical switch that went off that caused a catastrophic mind shift, but the thought of living mundanely and not showing this new human being a beautiful way to live with purpose would kill me. Life is not about the surface experiences. It’s in the details. I want him to not only see a sunset, but to count the colors he sees in the sky. I hope that when he is talking to his friends, it is not always dependent on a Wi-Fi signal or lack of 4G. I want his eyes to see faces and hearts and the journeys that each one is on. To be different. My desire is that he lives ever so fully in the present moment-exisiting with intention and walking in the way of Love and Light fulfilling his purpose.
My point is, if I want this so deeply for him, why shouldn’t I want this for myself? For my husband? My friends? It is why I picked up my journal to write again and it is why I will continue to not just be, but to live with intention and purpose.
A living example to the little eyes that watch.
There are plenty of things I can find to complain about what with the gloomy winter that refuses to let Spring have her turn and the fact that I’m not working a 9-5 like I’m used to. In retrospect, given my last post I literally could make a list of things I’ve been brooding over to change, but they are sadly not within my power. After all this time grooming myself in world of structure, I’ve found myself with time, motivation, and a bossy attitude. All I had to do was realize that those three components of my personality can be a triple threat when unleashed-and unleashed they are. From photography, network marketing, and internships-I’m jumping in.
Creativity is one of the most untapped resources in the human mind. It’s my personal belief we all have a creative side, but there is typically a voice that quietly checks you and reminds you that you have bills to pay; and so we carry on in the mundane routine to work our asses off. Many of us are blessed to be working in their dream job doing what they love all day, every day and there are others of us that may sit at a desk gazing into the computer indulging in daydreams about what we can do to make a difference or to even be at peace with ourselves and follow our dreams. A few months ago, I was silently screaming on the daily because I had to structure in my life, but then I remember when I did-the 9-5, M-F it wanted to mentally die. The stimulation was I so quietly hungry for was slowly being eroded by the louder acquisition to sit behind my desk, make that bi-weekly check, and be a good worker bee. Granted, steady income is incentive for most anything in life, but think-what would happen if we had just enough time alone in a bit of chaos to rediscover ourselves and those quiet taps on the creative sides of our brains.
Passion for life, music, love, people, or even our work doesn’t come out of no where. Passion is what blooms after we acknowledge that voice inside. We know ourselves better than we think- we simply need to welcome moments of realization and perhaps confusion with open arms because who knows what we’ll find among the chaos.
The mind is single handedly the most crazy concept of the human body that can posses our every move-every decision. From matters of what to eat to what to put on our bodies (and sometimes what to take off)-we make decisions every day that affect the way the world perceives us and many times the way we perceive ourselves.
Having just returned to the East Coast, home away from home, from the beauty and sunshine of So Cal-to which I’m blessed to call my forever home- I began to lament the flight home days before check in. A one way ticket to the north pole. I would be flying back to piles of snow, chilly wind that seemed to bite, and partial cloudy skies with hints of sun on a good day. I, however, never reminded myself that I was returning to my best friend and husband, however that did not seem to have an effect on my anxiousness on leaving.
My world is the city of Los Angeles. Whether it is the addiction to the adrenaline rush I get speeding on the 210 or the fact that a blue sky is scientifically proven to boost mood levels, I am clinically and unhealthily hooked on So Cal. Unfortunately, there is no room on the pedestal that I have placed the Golden State on-which terribly affects my outlook on my current location status. I’ll even go as far to say that it affects the daily allowance of happiness I extend on myself not to mention the torture it bestows on my lovely other half.
In essence, happiness is a state of mind. I can be happy here in the land of real seasons that change- but I need to make the decision to do so. Thinking of what could be or what should’ve been is crippling and prevents us from enjoying what our life is offering us now. I’d rather be caught basking in my present than chasing tomorrow or retracing my steps from yesterday.
Memories are great and future plans are even better, but what are we doing today?
In the last year, I haven’t seen so many bucket list creations in my life. I carefully read through people’s lists and see that they’re all beautifully colored with hope and promise striving for the adventures and goals so many of us dream of. It occurred to me that I have never made one myself. I couldn’t figure out why until I started to realize that there is a possibility that a number of those on my list would not be fulfilled. Could I bare the disappointment in myself or my lack of motivation to see them all through? Well, there’s a reason it’s 28 degrees out and I can’t go anywhere so here I am with a blank screen just waiting to be filled with my little hearts desires, but I want to look at them as goals for the moment. For now, I think I’ll start with a bucket/goal list for the year. This way, they are somewhat attainable and I won’t be distraught if and when I don’t make it Thailand for elephant riding.
1. Get a job at a non-profit working with women and children.
2. Get an apt in the city.
3. Lose 8 lbs of fat and gain 7 lbs of muscle.
4. Hold a position on the Bored of Directors with the charity I volunteer for.
5. Travel to St. Michaels, MD.
6. Travel to Boston, MA
7. Hit NYC
Since 7 is the number of completion, I’ll stop here. Even making this short list, I had to get a hold of my imagination in order to not get carried away with the amount of adventures and goals I had planned for myself. Perhaps we all should just take the bite that we can chew. After all, setting your standards extremely high can be a straight shot into self-doubt which can be a right turn into fear. Seek the attainable-no one is born running.